If you have a relationship or any area of life that isn't working, there will always be an underlying condition that is either creating the problem or destroying your ability to resolve it. Unfortunately, we don't notice that this condition exists. All we notice are the circumstances. He did this and she did that. This happened and that happened. These events are very real, but they are not the problem. They are the symptom.

In relationships, the real problem is an underlying cycle of conflict. This destructive cycle is fueled by the automatic, subconscious avoidance of a suppressed hurt. When this hurt gets triggered, we feel threatened. We get defensive and lose our ability to see clearly. We fight, resist, hang on, and withdraw. We destroy love and magnify the problem. Instead of focusing on solutions, the focus is on resisting. Healing this hurt is incredibly important.

How the hurt works

When you were born, you were pure love, but you were born into a world that suppresses this state. You then got hurt. You experienced rejection, invalidation, and painful losses of love.

As a little child, the only way you could explain these painful losses of love was to blame yourself. "Clearly I'm the problem." In a moment of deep hurt, you decided that you were worthless, not good enough, not worth loving, a failure, or some other form of feeling "not okay."

It wasn't the truth that you were this way, but in the eyes of a little child, it became your truth. You then took this a step further and fought the very belief that you created. "Worthless is a horrible way to be." You fought the belief and you fought all the hurt that came with it. From that moment on, the primary, subconscious focus of your life would be to avoid this hurt.

It's the automatic avoidance of this hurt that gets us in trouble. Any circumstance that triggers this hurt is perceived subconsciously as a threat. To avoid this threat, we fight, resist, hang on and withdraw. We destroy love and create lots of suffering.

How we sabotage our relationships

In relationships, these nerves tend to collide. This creates a destructive cycle of conflict. Here is an example that demonstrates this:

Let's say that I have a relationship someone. No matter how wonderful she may be, she will never be wonderful enough to keep my hurt from being triggered. It's like having a bad sunburn. Sooner or later, something is going to touch it.

When this nerve is struck, I won’t notice that I have a nerve that is being triggered. I will only notice what triggered it. HER! Subconsciously, I will perceive her as a threat. In an automatic attempt to protect myself from this perceived threat, I will get defensive and put up my walls of protection. I will then become judgmental and act destructively. This triggers her hurt.

Instantly, she will feel threatened. To protect herself from me, she will put up her walls of protection and either attack or withdraw. Then my hurt gets triggered even more and I become more critical of her. Then she becomes more critical of me. Then I become more critical of her.

Without knowing, we create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of hurting, attacking, and withdrawing from each other. This cycle then goes on and on without either person ever noticing his or her role in the conflict.

The problem may seem to be what the other person is doing, but it’s not. This is not the problem. It's the symptom. The real problem is the underlying cycle of conflict and the hurt that fuels it. Fortunately, all of this can be healed.

The best way to heal this hurt and restore the love in your relationship is to work directly with Bill Ferguson. You can also take our video course and attend our weekend workshop, Return To The Heart.

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Do you have a painful relationship?

Do you have a painful relationship or an area of life that isn’t working? Would you like to have this area of your life clear up? You can. The best way to do this is to work directly with Bill Ferguson. You can also attend our weekend workshop, Return To The Heart. Give us a call. We can talk about your situation and create a plan of action.

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