The first step in the healing process is to find, as specifically as possible, what the hurt is. To find your hurt, look for the words of “not okay" that are particularly painful. Are you worthless, not good enough, not worth loving, or a failure? Don’t look to see if this is true. It’s not. Instead, notice how painful this would be if it were true. The more painful this would be, the closer you are to your hurt.

While you are looking, notice if there are any words of “not okay" that you deny being. “I know I’m not worthless." “I’m definitely not a failure." If you deny being a particular way, you have probably found the hurt that runs your life. You wouldn’t deny being this way unless you thought it was a horrible way to be.

You may find lots of these core issues, but for now, look for the ones that hurt the most. This page will show you where to look.

How was your relationship with your parents?

If you had a difficult relationship with one or both of your parents, this is probably where your hurt began. To find the hurt, go back in time to the hurt you experienced as a child. Put yourself in the emotion of what happened. Then answer these questions. According to the hurt, what do those circumstances say about you? What did your parents imply about you in their words and actions?

Did they say or imply that you were worthless or not good enough? Find the words that most accurately describe the hurt that you experienced as a child. Then notice how painful it would be if your parents were right about you. You really are this way.

How would it feel if they were totally justified in how they treated you because you are so worthless, not worth loving, not good enough, or whatever your issue is? If this is particularly painful, this is the hurt that runs your life. If you had a good relationship with your parents, go to whatever hurt you experienced as a child. Then look to see what those circumstances say about you.

Make a list of all your major upsets

Every time you have been upset is a time when your hurt has been triggered. That’s why you got upset. To find your hurt, make a list of every major upset that you have had in your life. Write down the times you have been hurt and the times you have been angry. List the setbacks and all the difficult times that you have experienced throughout your life.

After your list is complete, go to the hurt that’s under each upset and find what those circumstances say about you. For example, if someone leaves you, this may say that you are not worth loving. If you get fired from a job, this could say that you are a failure or not good enough.

Remember, you are not looking for the truth. You are looking for an emotion. Find the words of “not okay" that hurt the most and look for a theme that runs through all your upsets. This is the hurt that runs your life.

What are your fears?

Make a list of all your fears, and for each fear, find the hurt that you are avoiding. What is the hurt that you would have to feel? What would it say about you if your fear came true?

What are you driven towards?

We are never driven towards something. We are driven away from something. For example, if someone is driven to succeed, that person is running from failure. If someone has to be loved, that person is running from some form of feeling unlovable.

The same is true for anything you "need" for your happiness. In reality, you don’t need anything outside of you to be happy. Happiness can only come from within. The feeling of need comes from the hurt. For example, if a person "needs" a loving relationship, that person is probably running from the hurt of feeling not worth loving.

Find what you are driven towards and what you need for your happiness. Then look for the opposite. What would it say about you if you could never get what you wanted? Then notice how painful it would be if you really were this way.

What are the areas of your life that don’t work?

Any area of your life that isn’t working is an area where you are resisting some circumstance. You are fighting this circumstance because it triggers your hurt. To find your hurt, make a list of all the areas of your life that don’t work. Then, for each area, find the specific circumstances that you are resisting. Then go to the hurt that to are avoiding. What do those circumstances say about you?

What do you resist in your parents?

Are you just like your parents? For most people, this would be a very uncomfortable thought. If this is uncomfortable for you, you have found more hurt. Any characteristic that you resist in another person is an aspect of you that you resist in yourself. List the characteristics of your parents that you resist.

Has rejection or abandonment been an issue?

Would an incredibly wonderful person be rejected or abandoned? No, not according to the hurt. So what kind of person would this happen to? For most people, the hurt under rejection and abandonment is the hurt of feeling worthless and either unlovable or not worth loving. Notice how painful it would be if this were true about you.

Common core issues

Look over the list of common core issues. Read each word as though it accurately describes you. Notice the words that hurt the most.

A list of common core issues

What is your hurt?

After you look at the list of common core issues, go back and review the different sections on this page. See if you can get more insight into your hurt. Keep looking for the words that are the most painful.

You may find several words that are painful. For example, you may have the hurt of feeling worthless, not worth loving, and of being a failure. You need to heal all of these, but for now, find the words that hurt the most. For most people, the bottom line hurt is worthless, no value.

To describe your hurt more accurately, you may want to use a combination of words. Consider combinations like these: worthless failure, stupid loser, or hopelessly unlovable. What is the hurt that runs your life?

The best way to heal this hurt

The best way to find and heal this hurt is to schedule an appointment with Bill Ferguson. The healing process is very fast. Most people have a major healing in one or two sessions. You can also heal this hurt in our weekend workshop, Return To The Heart.

To learn more about how to find and heal this hurt, get the video course, the audio course, and read the book, Get Your Power Back.

Do you have a painful relationship?

Do you have a painful relationship or an area of life that isn’t working? Would you like to have this area of your life clear up? You can. The best way to do this is to work directly with Bill Ferguson. You can also attend our weekend workshop, Return To The Heart. Give us a call. We can talk about your situation and create a plan of action.

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You can heal your relationships and create a great life, but you have to know how. Both the video course and the free e-course walk you through the steps. As you work with the lessons, you change your life.