If you have a relationship that isn’t working, there is an underlying cycle of conflict that is creating the problem. This condition destroys love and forces destructive behavior. If you want to heal your relationship, this cycle of conflict needs to end. To do this, you have to make peace with the way the other person is. You also need to heal the hurt that fuels the conflict. Let's talk about surrendering to the truth.

The cat doesn't bark

My wife and I have a cat that doesn’t bark. I can yell at the cat and plead with the cat, but no matter what I do, the cat still won’t bark. This is the truth and my feelings about it are totally irrelevant. No matter what I do and no matter how I feel about it, the cat still won’t bark.

If I can surrender to the fact that the cat won't bark, I become very effective. I can see what I need to do. If I want to hear barking, I can get a dog. The solution becomes obvious. This is what happens when you surrender to the truth. You automatically look in a direction where solutions, opportunity, and possibility show up.

Look at the areas of your life that work great. These are areas where you can flow with whatever happens. Things show up that you don’t like, but you handle them. Now look at the areas of your life that don't work. These are areas where you can't flow. Instead of focusing on what needs to be done based on the facts, the focus is on fighting the facts. When this happens, you destroy your ability to see what needs to be done and you interact in a way that makes your situation worse.

In my cat example, when I fight the truth, I will be convinced that the cat is the problem. I will constantly be upset at the cat for not barking. This in turn creates a nightmare in my relationship with the cat. The cat still isn't going to bark, but now it's starting to bite. The same thing happens in any area of life where you fight the truth. You destroy your ability to see what needs to be done and you magnify the problem.

Surrender to the truth

If you have a relationship that isn't working, you have a cat that isn't barking, and you are fighting it. Look at any relationship you have that isn't working and notice that this is true. That person is the way he or she is no matter how you feel about it.

Now notice the direction of your focus. Instead of looking to see what needs to be done based on the truth of the way the person is, the focus is on fighting the truth. Instead of focusing on solutions, the focus is on resisting.

To be effective in handling a situation, you need let go of the resisting and restore your ability to see clearly. You can then make decisions and take action based on facts instead of emotion.

In the process, you may discover that the person isn't for you. That’s okay. Maybe you need to move on. Maybe you need to say "No," or maybe you need to empower the person, but whatever you do, you can do it with love.

Effective action can handle a situation but not the inner state of resisting. When you fight the truth of the way someone is, you destroy love, create conflict, and make your situation worse. Surrendering to the truth is the key to handing any situation. It's also easier said than done. To let go of the resisting, you need to heal the hurt.

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